Smoking Ethics Question
I spend quite a bit of time in the neighborhood of one of my running buddies, not so many miles from my house. Before we go for our run, we meet with our dogs in a vacant lot near his home to chat, stretch, and watch the dogs romp. Langley and I happened to get to the lot first last Saturday afternoon where I saw Max, a kid I know from the neighborhood, and two fourteen year-old girls whom I did not know. They were sitting with their backs to me as walked around the fence into the otherwise deserted lot.
From fifty feet away, I thought I saw Max smoking smothing. As I took a few steps closer, he turned around and saw me. I thought I saw him put a marijuana pipe into a backpack on his lap. I am not absolutely certain that I observed either Max smoking or putting a marijuana pipe into a backpack.
My question for my community of readers is: What is my duty, if any, to disclose to Max's parents what I think I observed?
If you argue that I should not say anything to Max's parents, would your answer change if I were more certain of what I had seen?
If you argue that I should communicate to Max's parents, would your answer change if I were less certain of what I observed.
Is my relationship with Max's parents relevant to your thinking about whether or not I should disclose? As it happens, I know them well enough from walking my dog through my friend's neighborhood. Although, they don't have a dog themselves, they seem to like dogs well enough and we've chatted over the years about the weather, sports or politics. We could certainly not be described as close friends. I have never been inside their house. We have never shared a meal together.
If you feel that I should not communicate with Max's parents, would you change your mind if we could somehow see into the future and know that Max, as a kid with a serious substance abuse issues some years from now, would get behind the wheel of a car and kill someone? If you feel that I should talk to Max's parents, would you change your mind if you could look into the future and know that Max was smoking marijuana for the last time?
Would your answer change if Max were 25 years old rather than 14? Would your answer change is Max weren't 14 years old, but 12?
Most importantly, if you feel that I should say something, how do you recommend that I go about it? "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Murgatroid, I'm not certain, but I think your son was smoking pot the other day in the vacant lot near your house" just doesn't quite seem to cut it.
Although I have changed the details to preserve anonymity, the situation described above is all too real. All of us parent know who the pot smoking kids are at our children's high schools and colleges. It's not a secret. Go on their social media sites, for goodness sake; all the information is right there. That glassy eyed kid in the picture? The one holding the bong? He has been smoking marijuana. Count on it. Go ahead and mortgage the farm.
If you believe, as I do, that marijuana use in 14 year-olds is a bad plan, what is your duty to the children of your friends and neighbors? When, if ever, should you communicate what you know? How should you say what needs to be said?
Smoking Ethics Question
Nice dilemma, David.
The kid is not a client, right? If he were, then my response would be very different.
My gut instinct tells me that this is none of my business - you don't have a close relationship with either the kid or his family. They might thank you for your intrusion; they might not.
If he was actively hurting himself - if, for example, you observed him cutting himself, that might be different. The baggage that lies behind it is more immediate and more serious.
How about other situations? Suppose you caught him in flagrante in the back seat with a girl, would you tell his parents. Suppose you caught him kissing another boy? Like smoking pot, each of these things has consequences that young teenagers don't fully appreciate. Would you treat these situations differently?
God know's I'm no expert here. So this is just my 2¢
Dodge Johnson
Talk to the boy...but
Yes, I think talking to him is the right thing to do. And here's the big "but"- I would tell him that he had 24 hours to tell his parents what occurred, and that after that I would be talking to them too. And he has to know you mean it.
If he were 25 y/o then I would have no problem with it. But at 14? Definitely. Then be prepared for a possible negative reaction from the parents. You know what? If you feel you did the right thing, that possibility shouldn't deter you. You still have a ton of friends.
Agree
I agree talking to the boy would be the best first step and then depending on the response, contact the parents. Hopefully the boy would do that himself in an ideal world. As a parent, I would want you to tell me.
Pot
You must tell the parents exactly what you saw. Offer no judgements. It takes a village.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em
From a moral perspective, I have absolutely no problem with pot. That said, if I knew Max's parents, I would tell them. If you were able to get the drop on him, so would a cop. Would Max's parents want to see him with a drug charge? Would Max want to be arrested? I think not. There is no moral imperative here. Children do foolish things and a community of adults owes it to one another to contribute to good order. Simply put, his parents need to know.
If he had reached the age of majority, I mind my own business.
talk to him
If you don't feel you know the family well enough to talk to him, then don't tell the parents.
And, to multiply hypotheticals, what if it were tobacco in the pipe? What if it were crack?
What if he were littering? Allowing his dog to poop on your lawn?
But mainly, first (and mainly) talk to him. Not the parents. You saw him. You are in the neighborhood. If you feel he is doing something you believe is wrong, talk to him. He is a person.
intervention...
Honestly David,
I think it is more likely that your personal powers of persuasion directed at this young man would do more good than telling his parents. He might be smoking because he knows his parents do. If there is already a strained relation between parent and child the kid is gong to ignore his parents. Take a shot at it. (Give the kid a chance to make his own informed decision.) If later on you become privy to the fact that his continued use is putting himself or others in imminent danger then I would say something to his parents.
If the root cause is peer pressure and the kid values acceptance of a certain peer group ... well good luck with that one.
You're not a cop
You're not a cop and that is not your job.
If you report this you have everything to lose and nothing to gain.
smoking
If I was not sure what I had seen, I would not say anything. If I were sure and he was a minor, my conscience obligates me to say something to his parents. If it were my child, I would want someone to tell me. A 25 year old is supposedly his own person and I would not tell the parents because no doubt they already know their son pretty well by that point. Interesting question though.
Maxs Smoking
I had same issue with my son involving a friends of his who I saw smoking cigareetes. His age, your relationship with parents, degree of certainty, are all relevant. I think you should tell what you saw them but as gently as possible so they understand that you're doing it out of sincere concern and you should assue them you consider this a private matter that you would never discuss with anyone else.
Smoking ethics
I would speak to his parents. The risk that you were mistaken is outweighed by the potential benefits to his parents (and ultimately to Max) from having this information.
Smoking Ethics Question
I am having the same issue with my daughter and her friends. It is difficult indeed to determine what to do. In your case, you did not know the parents very well but in my case, I do. Do I breach my daughter's trust for the safety of our daughter's friend? Difficult indeed. I have choosen to be selfish and retain my daughter's trust but I feel guilt pangs everytime I talk to her father...Any advice will be great.
Smoking Ethics
Wow-- A tricky one indeed. Here is where my professional license (LCSW), my state guidelines of NO duty to warn, and my personal beliefs clash. Something similiar happened to me when I was a working professional in a school and the kiddo was not only a neighbor, but a student at the school I was a therapist for. I actually approached kiddo and told him what I thought I had observed and let him know what could be expected if I did see similiar behavior in the future. I never saw him smoking anything again, I was able to maintain my relationship with him and his peers in the school and he was clearly given the word about unacceptable behavior.
Smoking and Ethics
I would speak to the boy first. Explain what you believe you saw, why you believe it is important to confront him about it, (serious health issues, etc) and ask if his parents are aware. Then depending what he says, decide what to do.
I agree ...
First, talk with the boy. But what is the correct answer?
It would be hypocritical of
It would be hypocritical of me to tell a 14-year-old not to smoke pot. I did and I turned out okay. But what I would tell anyone still in high school is that getting caught could have some very serious consequences. Until he is financially and educationally secure enough to handle the ramifications of his actions -- get chucked out of school, get arrested, lose the chance at the college of his choice -- he might want rethink his options. Then I would step away.