Admissions Ethics

"How has the college admissions process changed in the 30-something years that I have been helping students choose and apply to college?"

When I give talks or appear on radio shows, I typically point out how students are filling in more applications and that therefore it's harder to predict who will be admitted where. I talk about "yield"--the number of admitted students who actually matriculate. If Tommy applies to 14 colleges and is offered a spot at eight of them, there are seven schools where he doesn't show up. It's increasingly hard for those seven schools to make good predictions about the size of their first year classes.

The Common Application has its pluses, but allowing colleges to know who is likely to be on campus the following fall is not one of them. A generation ago, filling in an application by hand or with a typewriter was a commitment. Remember trying to line up your answers to "name," "address," and "phone number" on your portable selectric? Remember white out? Remember tearing up the mangled application and getting up the courage to write to the college to request another copy?

But the biggest change since I started advising families in 1983 is that parents no longer even pretend to be subtle about their perception of college admissions as an arms race. "Duke or Die!" is ingrained in both generations. Perhaps, as a result of the stress, parents don't even pretend to model ethical behavior in the admissions process.

Frankie, a good student, mentions that he was the treasurer of the Future Business Leaders of America Club at his private school."Write down that you were president," his unblinking mother says."But I wasn't president, mom," Frankie replies.His mom continues: "How would they know?"Of course, I found the above conversation horrifying. Poor Frankie, who now has to contradict his mother in order to fill in an accurate application. And poor Frankie's mom. What a burden it must be to believe that unless your child is admitted to Duke that his life will be lessened in some way. Imagine teaching your child that it's okay to lie.I gently explained that independent counselors can not be part of a process that involves falsifying applications. Frankie's mom just looked at me. Maybe she was waiting for me to wink and say, "Just kidding." Maybe she thought I would ask her for more money. I can think of many meetings over the years that I have enjoyed more.

The good news is that there is a big win for families who are willing to go about the process of filling in applications in an appropriate way.If you refuse to encourage your children to exaggerate, prevaricate, and fib on their applications, there is less likelihood that they will grow up to be criminal psychopaths arrested and imprisoned for stealing pension funds.

Kohlberg taught us about the stages of moral development. A young child might not steal a cookie for fear of getting caught. An older child might not steal a cookie considering that there might not be enough cookies for everyone. I would argue that Frankie's mom clearly wants all the cookies for herself.Kids learn what they live. Model joy, acceptance. "Don't do things. Be things." Communicate that your kids will be okay if they go to Duke or some "lesser" school. Let your kids know that you believe in them because they have your good values and morals.Kids who get screamed at learn how to get screamed at or how to scream. Abused kids learn how to be abused or how to abuse. And kids who are taught to lie learn how to lie. On the other hand, kids who are respected learn how to be respectful.

How do loving parents bring up healthy kids in a world overrun with people like Frankie's mom? Communicate to your kids at every opportunity: I love you for who you are, not for what you do. You are my beloved child whether you are admitted to this college or that. And in our family, behaving honorably is more important than being president of the Future Business Leaders of America.