Differences
I adore my wife. Let’s be clear up front. This is not one ofthose “my wife doesn’t understand me” clichés more appropriate to a lower classof fiction. My blog is not a dating website. My wife is awesome. All that said,Patti and I did stay at an Airbnb recently and had a minor kerfuffle. Insteadof a traditional key and a lock, the door had one of those newfangled numerickeypads. The code was 1861, an easy number to remember. Over dinner, I workedon determining whether or not 1861, in addition to corresponding to the year inwhich the Civil War started, was also a prime number. Apparently, I got afar-away look in my eye. My wife—ever vigilant to what may be transpiring in myhead—asked what I was doing. “I’m dividing 1861 by all the primes up to itssquare root,” I replied. “It’s an odd number, so1861 is not divisible by two;the sum of the digits of 1861 isn’t divisible by three, so three is not afactor; obviously five doesn’t divide 1861.” Patti continued to stare at me.“So now I’m figuring out whether or not seven goes into 1861 evenly.” Patti’s glaredid not waver.
Subsequently, the conversation moved on to the handles weare having installed on our kitchen cabinets. Patti spoke passionately and atlength about the shape, color, size, and design of the handles. I listened withall the attention I could summon. Patti showed me several pictures of allegedlydifferent kitchen cabinet handles. I refrained from pointing out that each andevery one of the choices looked precisely identical. “Do you like how this onehas a beveled edge as opposed to the other one that is more sloping?” sheasked. I nodded vigorously. Or as vigorously as a person can nod who neitherknows what “beveled” means nor could distinguish one kitchen cabinet handlefrom another.
Raising healthy kids is not like having a good marriage. Butall relationships have commonalities. You have to acknowledge that youradolescent children are going to be involved with some topics in which you,their loving parent, have no insight, experience, or interest. Electronicmusic, video games, social media, raw cookie dough, cold pizza, lethargy,grunting, and occasional lengthy showers, and otherwise non-standard hygieneare just the beginning of the list. One secret is to maintain a connection withyour kids by affecting an interest. Even more important is to walk away fromjudgment and to let the kids find their own path.
Because you can’t control everything. Your kids are who theyare. Many of their interests will not overlap with yours. Somebody likesmonster truck rallies; somebody likes opera. Usually not the same person.
Imagine my telling Patti: “all of these kitchen cabinethandles are identical! Two atoms of hydrogen have more differences than thesekitchen cabinet handles! What difference could it possibly make? Any one ofthese indistinguishable kitchen cabinet handles will open the @#$%^&*!kitchen cabinets.” Or envision Patti suggesting to me that “Nobody careswhether or not 1861 is a prime number! That’s not normal! You’re not Rainman!Stop doing arithmetic in your head and order some dinner!”
Parents who try to be involved with each and every thoughtin their child’s head may see themselves as loving and concerned but may beperceived as overreaching and controlling. Kids need to feel that they aretrusted, that no one is checking to see whether or not they have turned in anassignment. Kids need to separate and individuate so that they can leadindependent lives. Which they can’t do if mom and dad are in their heads.
Patti doesn’t want to help me try to divide 1861 by 29. Idon’t care which kitchen cabinet handles end up on our kitchen cabinets. Yet weget along pretty well. Embrace that which you have in common and can share withyour kids. But leave them alone to find some of the wonders of our world ontheir own.
