On a cool South Florida night in 1968, my buddies Alan and Elliot appropriated a dozen eggs from Alan's refrigerator and positioned themselves in a thick hedge near an overpass on Miami Beach. Before the first gooey projectile had been lobbed, flashing lights appeared. The 12-year-olds were taken into custody and their parents called. After Elliot's parents arrived and signed some papers, Alan got up to leave.
"Sit back down, Son." said the policeman.
"No it's okay, Sir." said Elliot. "Elliot's parents can give me a ride. They live right down the street. You can talk to my dad."
"I already spoke to your dad," said the policeman. "He said he'll be here in the morning."
"You mean I have to sit here on this hard bench all the way until tomorrow?"
"Apparently so," replied the policeman.
Alan and I have been friends for over half a century. He is now a prosperous adult with grown children of his own. I speak with some authority when I say that subsequent to ten hours sitting on that hard bench, he has not thrown one additional egg.
Contrast Alan's experience with that of Robert who was recently expelled from his third boarding school. Because of the influence and intervention of his parents, Robert was allowed to withdraw rather than have the word "expelled" strewn across his transcript in large red letters. Robert does however try to exact revenge on the people whom he perceives have done him wrong. It wasn't his fault that he got suspended from the first boarding school. Everyone else was cheating on the algebra test also. The marijuana in his backpack wasn't his at the second boarding school. It wasn't fair that he was the one who was asked to leave. At the third boarding school he was behind on some assignments. So he accused a teacher of abuse. When the allegations were determined to be as baseless as they were harmful, Robert was asked, once again, to find another school. Before he left, he broke the window of the car of the administrator who "unfairly" got him in trouble.
In every case, Robert's parents "helped" him get out of his situation. Yet they now find themselves in more serious trouble in that they are running out of boarding schools and Robert seems to be developing a serious predilection for benzodiazepines, prevarication, and revenge.
Long before these stories spiraled out of control, don't you wish that someone had said to Robert, "I'll pick you up tomorrow morning"? Nothing communicates "consequences" and "responsibility" like ten hours on a hard bench in a police station.
It would be simplistic to read these vignettes as a screed against enabling and rescuing. The unsophisticated take-away is "don't help your kids when they don't need help." In determining whether or not to "help" our kids, it may be useful to apply the following rubrics:
Determine who owns the problem. Acknowledge that in any negotiation, "the person who cares the most loses." Examine your own motives. Consider whose interests are being served. Reflect on long-term outcomes.
Reflecting on the narratives of Alan and Robert will allow loving parents to determine that it is seldom in a child's best interest for mom to intervene. We don't want our kids to think that we will save them from their poor judgment. Paying a small price now--letting a 12 year old sit on a hard bench--can avoid a larger expense later. Kids must understand that their parents are always there for them. But they must also know that ultimately they alone are responsible for their outcomes.
Here's a seemingly unrelated statistic: Last year for the first time, the number of needless deaths from opioid addiction surpassed the number of deaths from traffic fatalities. While the causes of drug abuse are hard to pinpoint, I'm going to suggest that Alan is unlikely to have an issue with addiction. Robert, I'm not so sure.
As painful as it is to think about your kid sitting for ten hours on a hard bench in a police station, it has to be even more agonizing to try to find a fourth boarding school for your son.
As always, "pay me now or pay me later."
