Parenting without Grades
Remember the best teacher you had in high school, the one from whom you learned so much? Ever reflect on why she never had any discipline problems? Was it because your classmates were more respectful in those halcyon years? That teacher seemed so relaxed, in control, no behavior management issues. Were the students more attentive because she was more interesting, because she knew more material, because she was more strict? Or was it her relaxed attitude that allowed everyone to learn? Was she, in actuality, LESS strict?
Was she relaxed because her students were attentive or were the students attentive because she was relaxed?Imagine a parent who is constantly going on line to the school website to check her son’s grades. “Why do you have a missing homework in math?” she intones. “I turned those assignments in,” her son replies. “The teacher just hasn’t entered the grades yet.”
As you might envisage, this conversation rapidly descends down a rabbit hole from which there is no return as accusations and prevarications escalate in an explosive spiral. “That’s what you said last time!” mom shouts. “Why don’t you trust me?” her son replies.Consider to the contrary a parent who never discusses his son’s grades, never goes on line to check. Is the mother checking up on the first student BECA-- USE he’s doing poorly? Or is the student not doing well in school BECA-- USE his mother is constantly crossing a boundary and impinging on his autonomy?
If I thought that by constant checking your son’s grades and obsessing over every assignment that you could turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse-ignoring that you would still have an unhappy pig-I would be willing to consider the option and suggest that you enroll in the Sherlock Holmes School of Parenting. But I have never, in 40 years of teaching met a child whose grades improved as a result of hyper-vigilance on the part of the parents. And consider the hidden agenda; what is being communicated “between the lines”:1) I don’t trust you to care about your grades on your own.2) I care more about your grades than I do about our relationship.3) You are fundamentally not okay as a person unless your grades are good.4) I have way too much time on my hands.
The father who doesn’t check his son’s grades communicates that he likes his kid for who he is, not for what he does. Should it turn out that his son would be more content working as a carpenter’s assistant rather than getting a Ph.D. in philosophy, dad is okay with that. Dad has his own life to live; he cannot be bothered going to high school a second time.Even more importantly, by not going on line to check grades, dad saves his high trump cards for if and when he needs them. He is able to help his son distinguish that which is critical-don’t take drugs-from that which is much less important-get good grades.Lastly, the dad who trusts his kid to find his own path allows his child to individuate. “I would give you a kidney if you needed it” dad communicates, “but I acknowledge that we are distinct being and that I cannot live your life for you.”As parents, I’m not sure it gets any better than that.
